A Different King of Nagging

No, this is not about my wife despite what the title may suggest.

It has been a while since I posted anything other than IotDs, and for that I apologize. It was for this exact situation I implemented them in the first place, to ensure I always have material to blog about. It has worked thus far I think. But the reason for my silence is not lack of activity, quite the opposite. I have been working a ton on two different plots; Alekhine's Gun and a new plot, Vice and Virtue. I have a ton I would love to share, but sadly I cannot for fear that it will be taken. I try not to share plot specifics until it is published and in my name, just out of caution. So sadly my passion of late has been tempered by prudence, but that is not what this post is about!

Earlier I mentioned 'the nagging' (again not referring to my wife in any way!), and tonight I experienced something similar. Rather than a nagging feeling about a plot, character, etc, this was an introspective nagging. As you can tell from the time I am posting this (as I type this sentence it is 4:32 am and I have yet to sleep) it has literally kept me up all night. This nagging is forcing me to take a look at myself instead of a plot or book feature, and these naggings are far more insistent than their tamer brethren.

I will not turn this into a place to unload vast emotional burdens, but suffice it to say that a dear friend of mine (you know who you are canada girl) helped me figure something rather astonishing out about myself. It changed my perspective on a lot of my life, and it has inspired me to incorporate a great deal of it into my newest character for Vice and Virtue. I have rarely put anything directly from my life into books, though there are often symbolic allusions, and it frankly has me frightened.

A great many nights have been spent in turmoil, and more than a few tears shed over the issue of what kind of a person I am, and what I want to be. I think both are questions people need to examine more often. As usual, the two answers are not the same. I am not the person I want to be, not yet, maybe not ever. What matters is that I constantly strive to improve. But more importantly, I realized that there is a very small list of people that actually know me.

Upon realizing this, I decided I wanted to try and be more open with people. It is a great piece of what inspired this post of course, and what has me frightened. Walls have been built up over the years to protect myself, and they have been placed between me and virtually everyone I know. What I am proposing with this latest series is the breaking of these walls not between myself and friends, but between myself and complete strangers as well. Sharing a great deal of my personal life in the context of this tale is terrifying and cathartic at the same time. It is a relief to let out anything we keep bottled up, and yet trusting that to another is something wonderful and frightening at the same time.

Anyway, it has been quite the tumultuous night for me. Part of the reason for this post is to help get it off my chest, and begin the process of sharing myself with readers. It is also a likely vain attempt to calm my thoughts by writing them down so I can actually get to sleep. It is now 4:41 am after all, and I am sure my wife is tired of sleeping in that cold bed alone. Wish me luck everyone!